The Battle With My Old Life

Everything in this world wants to exist.  When a big tree in the rainforest falls down, seeds that were waiting, start to sprout from the soil and battle for sunlight with their strength. When you pave your garden, plants will eventually find their way between the paving stones. I even saw bamboo growing through asphalt and in the darkest corners of the world you will find life.

Nature Will Find Its Way

Now when something is threatened in its existence, it will try to defend itself. Bees sting, a squid unleashes a cloud of dark ink to get away, a rhino will charge with his horn. This is nature and it is logical because if organisms would not have the drive to exist, the planet would be dead.

I was talking about physical forms but it actually also works this way with our thoughts, habits, fears, addictions and trauma’s. They like to exist and they want to be a part of you. You can almost see them as different entities living inside you and using you to keep existing. They make it hard to be really in charge of yourself. Perhaps you will say now, sure, what a bunch of hokum but then let me ask you a question. How many times did you make yourself a promise and not lived up to it? How many times did you promise yourself to exercise more, started with enthusiasm but failed after a few weeks. Now this is just an example but you will see it in many forms.

Why am I telling this? Because I found out that in this phase of my live, I really have to be aware of it. Re-designing your life and changing it for the better, starts actually with a big battle between your dreams and your old self. Your long existing old self, build up by experiences through the years, filled with all the different metaphoric entities I was talking about. When you are changing things, there is  no room anymore for them to exist and they will start to defend themselves.

Old Me VS New Me

No no, do not worry, I did not lose my mind and I do not think there are actual creatures living inside me. It is just a battle between wishes and habits. It really surprises me how strong my own resistant can be sometimes for the new desired me. It is so weird how you can trick yourself to do the opposite of what you actually want. Like finding excuses to do nothing instead of working on what you like. Or how fears like ‘what if it does not work’ suddenly pop up for no reason and tell you it is better to choose for certainties instead of doing something new. Old habits can be very sneaky!

“Changing is overcoming your own resistance.”

But I do not care and I know my wishes are going to win. It is just a part of the process. It just takes time to get used to do things in a different way. The big weapon is to recognize the tricks you are playing with yourself, do exactly the opposite and smile them away. Keep calm and patient and tell yourself that you are in charge and free to do what you want. You need to remind yourself that it gives you so much energy if you work on realizing your dreams. It is just a matter of not giving up and keep doing things. Do what you promised yourself and make yourself proud. You slowly have to shape yourself and your own universe around your dreams and once you did, you will not even understand the struggle you once had anymore.

The good thing is that the new me is already winning. I have made my first money this month on my own and if everything goes well, it will even be enough to pay for my fixed costs. I have also become the photographer for the online city guide ‘The Girl With The Blueprint’ which will be running soon and I am even getting my own business card (Yes, I like that)! I will go to Scotland in 2,5 week to hike the West Highland Way for 9 days which is a wish for many years now and a real challenge. Even somehow the universe is also helping me with nice surprises and keeping me for falling into old traps. I am happy to realize that things are actually changing and working out great. I gives me such more strength to continue my way to Freedomland. Old me, this round is mine!

Old Me KO

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